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October 11, 2012
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This is an entry to :icondaily-lit-deviations:'s Write and Revise Contest Part 1: [link]

This is an entry to :iconliterature-and-stuff:s First Love Contest: [link]

This is an idea that's been boiling in my head so I had to write it down. >.< Yes. It's about two lesbians whose love originally started as a love between friends and then sisters. An evolution of love. >: D

:bulletblue: Please point out any spelling/grammar you noticed that I might miss so I can fix it.
:bulletblue: Please give insight on what you liked and didn't like.
:bulletblue: Suggestions/Word Choice to improve dialogue.
:bulletblue: Suggestions/Word Choice to improve description.

:bulletgreen: Word Count: 956
Story, Characters, etc. (c) =Metarex12
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:iconkuroii-no-okamii:
~Kuroii-no-Okamii Oct 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This was pretty good :) I was reading this and I didn't read the artist/writer's comments and I all like " WHOA IS YURI :icononionpanicplz:
In all seriousness though, I was a little confused when time skip transition happened in the story. I don't read that much stories though so that might be the reason :) Also, not to be a grammar Nazi or anything but "She didn't typically like let people getting close to her" should be "She didn't typically like letting people get close to her".
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:iconmetarex12:
=Metarex12 Oct 21, 2012  Student General Artist
:lol: I bet that was a shocker. Thank you for pointing that out.
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:iconkunehokun:
=KunehoKun Oct 12, 2012  Student
So I finally got to read one of your literary works in full and it's pretty good--it's concise and I wasn't thrown off by scene transitions.

However, some parts, like "Come on. Let's take a shower and get to party." does need a bit of reworking (i.e "Let's take a shower and go to the party/get to partying."

Anyway, I hope you win the contest!
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:iconmetarex12:
=Metarex12 Oct 12, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you. I never really gotten to a party (verbally) before so I wasn't sure how to phrase it. ;)
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