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Submitted on
November 7, 2012
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15.6 KB
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This is an entry to :icondestructivechildren:'s Tragedy on Halloween Contest: [link]

This is an entry to :icondeviant-nightmares:'s Contest: [link]

This one won third place and I'm happy for it. The other ones were really good though so you should check them out.

;.; This hurt me so much to write. I'm not sure if a bus counts as public transportation either. ^^;

:bulletblue: Please point out any spelling/grammar you noticed that I might miss so I can fix it.
:bulletblue: Please give insight on what you liked and didn't like.
:bulletblue: Suggestions/Word Choice to improve dialogue.
:bulletblue: Suggestions/Word Choice to improve description.

:bulletgreen: Word Count: 2,792
Story, Characters, etc. © =Metarex12
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:iconryciera:
ryciera Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is a really intense story. I have some little critiques for it (since you asked :P), but it's so late right now, I can't think things through. I really love the intensity of it, though, and it had me hooked through to the end. At first, I just thought it would be another creepypasta, and I really like how it turned into a personal story that tugged my heartstrings.

Lovely piece. If it wouldn't be a downer for you, I'd love to point out a few things another time to help turn this great work into something really exceptional.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed it. :)
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Student General Artist
Thanks. ;.; That's fine. Go right ahead.
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:iconryciera:
ryciera Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Alrighty. Again, it's an awesome piece. It just needs a little adjusting, kinda like a clay sculpture can look good until you work it with your hands and make it better.

I'm not gonna mention every little thing. I'd just proofread it again (even if you have once) and, if necessary, read it aloud. Remember when reading it to adhere strictly to all your grammar and punctuation. One proofread helps a lot. Two proofreads helps even more.

The first thing I noticed was that the beginning is confusing, because the POV switches a few times back and forth. It goes between 'he' and 'I', and I found myself wondering who 'he' was and if 'I' was watching him.

"Maybe she was like him. Busy working, but she seemed dressed for Halloween already even though it wouldn't be until tomorrow seeing as how it was going to be Halloween's Eve soon." These sentences are put together strangely. I feel like since "Busy working" clarifies how she was like him, it should be part of the sentence, either using a colon or comma. Then the "But she seemed dressed..." can start as a new sentence. Don't worry about starting a sentence with a conjunction. It's not so frowned upon as it once was.
On top of that, the "Busy working" sentence is a run on sentence. I'd read it aloud, adhering strictly to punctuation, and you'll see what I mean. XD

Where your characters bounce between dialogue starting at "Excuse me, but I have to get to the other side." is a little unclear. Both times I read it, I had to reread that part to figure out who was saying what.

Otherwise, I don't have much to say. I LOVE how you stay consistent with things. One of the hardest things I struggle with is consistency. I'll forget it's raining, my character's holding a cup of coffee, my character's tired, etc. But you're really good at that. You seem to picture the scenes in your head clear as glass and know how to portray them. I appreciated your character's coworker, there as before with his cup of coffee. It gave me a little laugh when I read that.

I also love the intensity near the end, when she's starting to change. That's when I feel you really get into the story, which sucks me into it. I began to grow horrified and afraid for your main character. It was really exciting.

FInally, I also really find it interesting that no one has names. Names aren't important, and you pulled off a story without them. If you were to remove all the third person stuff about your character (he ran out, etc.), I wouldn't have even known it was a man. And frankly, I wouldn't have cared. Some stories need a character with a gender, but this one is not one of them.
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you very much. :aww:
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:iconshanie019:
shanie019 Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Student General Artist
Oh my glub, this is the best tragedy/romance/halloween/horrpr story I've ever read. :icontearplz:
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm glad you love it. ;.;
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:iconshanie019:
shanie019 Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Student General Artist
:iconminghugplz:
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Student General Artist
:hug:
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:iconssu-chan:
Ssu-Chan Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Student General Artist
I love it!! :love:
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you. ;.;
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