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February 1, 2012
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:bulletred: The Beginning
:bulletblack: Previous
:bulletwhite: Next

This is the prologue and chapter 1 of my novel A.I. The dashes represent the break between the prologue and chapter 1 except for the first set of dashes. Another thing is that at the top of each new break is the person's perspective so in this one it shifts from third-person to David's POV.

:bulletblue: Need suggestions for a better title.
:bulletblue: Please point out any spelling/grammar you noticed that I might miss so I can fix it.
:bulletblue: Suggestions on how to make the beginning a lot more captivating.
:bulletblue: Please give insight on what you liked and didn't like.

:bulletgreen: Word Count for Prologue: 436
:bulletgreen: Word Count for Chapter 1: 1,144
:bulletgreen: Total Word Count for this submission:1,580
:bulletgreen: Total Word Count for Novel: 1,580
Story, Characters, etc. Đ =Metarex12
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space-commander Oct 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats, this story has been featured one-planet-at-a-time.deviantar….
Metarex12 Oct 12, 2013  Student General Artist
Thank you. :aww:
ObsydianDragon Sep 25, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I probably don't have enough to say to actually write an official critique, so I'll just leave a comment. :} First off, I'm intrigued by the story you've set up here, though it seems to be yet another 'computers take over the world' sort of thing that I have seen before. However, that doesn't make this one any less interesting. As I don't read sci-fi as much as fantasy, my opinion could very well mean less than others.

A few spelling suggestions, I want to mention. The first "vivaciously" has been mentioned in a critique earlier, so I don't explain that one. But the next is near the end, during D.A.V.I.D.'s 'communications' with the unknown woman.

"Get out this instance!" I'm fairly sure you meant to put 'instant.' :} Its one of those common cases where spell check won't find it as its not spelled incorrectly.

Other than those two, I didn't find much that would need adding to, though I'm curious about the world itself. Possibly add more description about the surroundings or the technology level? Over all, a good read!
Metarex12 Sep 25, 2013  Student General Artist
Thank you so much. I'll definitely check it out when I have time.
ObsydianDragon Sep 25, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
you're welcome :}
Metarex12 Sep 25, 2013  Student General Artist
lulu-illussions Apr 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Interesting idea, despite I usually donīt read sci-fi, I liked this. Davidīs way of narration is very fluent and pleasant to read.

However, lagre paragraph in the beginning could be devided into few smaller ones, as spaces make it easier and more transparent to read.
Metarex12 Apr 8, 2013  Student General Artist
Okay. :nod: Thank you.
Balaria Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
An interesting start to a story. I honestly didn't mind going from the third person view into first person. They're clearly sectioned off so there was no problem adjusting to it.

The only slightly difficult bit was the chat part. When you have three different types of text mixed in, each representing a different thing, it gets a bit cumbersome. Maybe it would be easier to read if you represented it like a real chat would? So you'd have:

Nickname: Who are you?
DifferentNickname: What?

But a good start none the less :)
Metarex12 Jan 14, 2013  Student General Artist
Okay. :) Thank you.
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