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This is the prologue and chapter 1 of my novel A.I. The dashes represent the break between the prologue and chapter 1 except for the first set of dashes. Another thing is that at the top of each new break is the person's perspective so in this one it shifts from third-person to David's POV.

:bulletblue: Need suggestions for a better title.
:bulletblue: Please point out any spelling/grammar you noticed that I might miss so I can fix it.
:bulletblue: Suggestions on how to make the beginning a lot more captivating.
:bulletblue: Please give insight on what you liked and didn't like.

:bulletgreen: Word Count for Prologue: 436
:bulletgreen: Word Count for Chapter 1: 1,144
:bulletgreen: Total Word Count for this submission:1,580
:bulletgreen: Total Word Count for Novel: 1,580
Story, Characters, etc. Đ =Metarex12
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:iconspace-commander:
space-commander Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats, this story has been featured one-planet-at-a-time.deviantar….
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2013  Student General Artist
Thank you. :aww:
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:icondragonpud:
DragonPud Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I probably don't have enough to say to actually write an official critique, so I'll just leave a comment. :} First off, I'm intrigued by the story you've set up here, though it seems to be yet another 'computers take over the world' sort of thing that I have seen before. However, that doesn't make this one any less interesting. As I don't read sci-fi as much as fantasy, my opinion could very well mean less than others.

A few spelling suggestions, I want to mention. The first "vivaciously" has been mentioned in a critique earlier, so I don't explain that one. But the next is near the end, during D.A.V.I.D.'s 'communications' with the unknown woman.

"Get out this instance!" I'm fairly sure you meant to put 'instant.' :} Its one of those common cases where spell check won't find it as its not spelled incorrectly.

Other than those two, I didn't find much that would need adding to, though I'm curious about the world itself. Possibly add more description about the surroundings or the technology level? Over all, a good read!
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013  Student General Artist
Thank you so much. I'll definitely check it out when I have time.
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:icondragonpud:
DragonPud Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
you're welcome :}
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013  Student General Artist
:D
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:iconlulu-illussions:
lulu-illussions Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Interesting idea, despite I usually donīt read sci-fi, I liked this. Davidīs way of narration is very fluent and pleasant to read.

However, lagre paragraph in the beginning could be devided into few smaller ones, as spaces make it easier and more transparent to read.
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Student General Artist
Okay. :nod: Thank you.
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:iconbalaria:
Balaria Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
An interesting start to a story. I honestly didn't mind going from the third person view into first person. They're clearly sectioned off so there was no problem adjusting to it.

The only slightly difficult bit was the chat part. When you have three different types of text mixed in, each representing a different thing, it gets a bit cumbersome. Maybe it would be easier to read if you represented it like a real chat would? So you'd have:

Nickname: Who are you?
DifferentNickname: What?
etc.

But a good start none the less :)
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Student General Artist
Okay. :) Thank you.
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:iconkiriyuu69:
Kiriyuu69 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2012
wow you are really good at these sci-fi fantasy stuff
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you.
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:iconkiriyuu69:
Kiriyuu69 Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012
ur welcome~ <3
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012  Student General Artist
:)
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:iconkiriyuu69:
Kiriyuu69 Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012
~\^o^/~ <3 <3 <3
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:iconlneliell:
lneliell Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you should be a writer.
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2012  Student General Artist
Thanks.
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:iconlikeclockwork13:
likeclockwork13 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Need suggestions for a better title.
-Perhaps something as simple as The D.A.V.I.D Project, but I struggle with titles myself. Try writing down words that pertain to your topic until you come up with something you like. ^^ The more eye-catching the better...you'll know it when you see it.

Please point out any spelling/grammar you noticed that I might miss so I can fix it.
-"She wore the same expression as before and (I think you meant to have an "I" here) took note of her every aspect."
-"Before leaving, I concluded that the best solution to deal with her was to make (are you talking about hers? or Davids? I would specify) PIC not operational."
-"Terrorists are viruses that need to be purge(??? d ???); however, they can be useful for adequately changing the system humans go by."

Suggestions on how to make the beginning a lot more captivating.
-This is honestly the hardest part of the story process for me. The chat room part at the very end is what grabbed my attention, but it wasn't fully developed. Also the cool computer PIC pad thing was sweet! However, it really does seem underdeveloped, and nothing really makes me care about the character. There's nothing truly interesting until the chatroom part. I would start with actually talking about her feelings, perhaps nervousness, of what she's going to find in the chatroom. You could also reference how she's maybe running from a chase or can't stop running over some terrifying thing that happened in her mind. I know how I would handle this but honestly it's up to you. You've got to make us care right away, and be interested right away. It's hard but that's the lot we have.

Please give insight on what you liked and didn't like.
-I LOVED SO MUCH OF IT! However, I do have some advice.
-Not all of your sentences flowed together well. Try reading aloud to get a good sense of flow. (This is a particular example spot, although it is in other places aswell : "The site allowed her in and a chat room opened up. Someone was waiting for her and had written a message to her." xThese two sentences leave me desiring something more between them. The transition is awkward. Perhaps try an entirely new second sentence..the first one is good the way it is I think.)
-"I will correct this by taking control of this world." AHHHHH! This is sentence bothers me so much...!! It's purpose I believe for you is to draw attention, but you've done that so well before this! I think that you should leave DAVID unsure of what he wants yet..this ruins the mystery for me about the rest of your book. You should build up to this, as David grows as a character. Personally I believe what makes readers really want to read on is a good mystery, even if it's not a mystery novel. Outrageous claims and romance (so cliche, I know, but it's true!) are also good attention getters. There needs to be some element of unknown to it. I would definately strike this sentence out entirely, but in the end it's up to you.
-I loved the probability calculations and this sentence: "Humans do not comprehend my capabilities as the D.A.V.I.D. project." ;) This mystery for me about what he really is could really be developed..I love it.

Remember to take all of this with a grain of salt. I'm a developing writer and can only give you my best ideas and thoughts on your work. All in all this is a very interesting and great start.

Also, if you could critique my "Ch.1 Rae Ellen's Little Miracle" it would be greatly appreciated. No worries, though! :)

Happy Writing!
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you so much. I'll definitely check it out when I have time.
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:iconnamenameone:
namenameone Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012  Student Digital Artist
There's a spot here and there where a word seems to be missing, or a certain sentence seems a tad redundant, but nothing major. Excellent work. :)
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you. I'll see what I can do.
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:icontmcanada:
TMCanada Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Student Writer
I featured this as my favorite read of the week on my journal [link]
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you. :heart:
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:icontmcanada:
TMCanada Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Student Writer
No problem this was a great first chapter
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Student General Artist
:meow:
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:icontmcanada:
TMCanada Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2012  Student Writer
I must admit when I read the blurb I wasn't very interested. I am so glad I read this though. I loved it. Can't wait for you to bring out chapter 2. The only thing I wish I found out but didn't was what does David look like. Is he build to look human or does he look like a robot? But I understand why his description wasn't there. It can be very difficult to give a physical description in first person.
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2012  Student General Artist
Yeah. It's kind of hard to explain what he looks like. Actually he's simply a program. No physical form. Just plain data running through a government system.
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:icontmcanada:
TMCanada Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2012  Student Writer
Oh I had a vision of him standing at a computer doing all this.
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2012  Student General Artist
No. ^^; Sorry about that.
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:icontmcanada:
TMCanada Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2012  Student Writer
No problem. I'm sure I will continue enjoying the story. I just have to revise my mental picture a little lol
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:iconmystic-cheetah:
Mystic-Cheetah Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012
Very nice. I am incredibly interested.
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you. :heart:
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:iconconnorlamping:
connorlamping Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It looks quite interesting, but it seems a little disjointed. The first two parts are done in third-person while the third part is in first-person. I'd say make those breaks their own chapters, showing how David was created in a little more detail, and show just how dangerous Save Our World is. But also try to stay in one type of narration ^_^
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:iconmetarex12:
Metarex12 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Student General Artist
Yeah. I warned in my blurb after A.I. that it will switch between perspectives throughout the novel. I'm not very good with technical stuff so I wanted to avoid going into it, but thanks for the information. ^^; I'll take it into consideration. ^-^
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